What if I told you
by Xxxx4evaSummerxxxx
Summary: What if Riley Matthews told everyone how she really feels? /Songfic: What if I told you by Jason Walker.


**a/n: Hey everyone. It's me, Summer. So it has been a little while since my last story. So I decided to do another Riley centric one-shot. Well, it's actually a song-fic. It's inspired by the song What if I told you by Jason Walker. It is also inspired by the episode Girl Meets Rileytown. Also there is a trigger warning for depression. As always I don't own the song or the show. I hope you enjoy.**

* * *

 _What if I told you, it was just a front. To hide the insecurities I have._

* * *

It's been a whole week since the award ceremony that Riley hosts to award herself. Everything in the group went back to normal. Riley went back to being Smiley Riley and danced in the hallways. She always smiled no matter what. She still dreamed of being a bunny farmer. She's the princess of Rlieytown. Everyone was relieved that Riley Matthews, ray of sunshine, is back.

But she still is Riley Matthews, who still wishes that she didn't feel insecure. Who wishes she could stop feeling so sad, and tired and pathetic. Who wishes she could smile, a genuine, happy, real smile. But she could never do it. She could never ever be as happy as she pretends.

She tried to tell someone, she really did. But every time she did the words never made it out of her mouth. She wished she had the courage to tell someone. She wanted to tell someone, anyone, that she still feels like a silly little weirdo with no purpose. She wants to tell someone that the words the bully sent still stung. She wanted to tell someone before she started destroying herself. She wanted to tell someone that she is already destroying herself by keeping all these feelings bottled up.

Monday, she stayed in bed. She had lost motivation to get up, get dressed and faced the world she learned to not like. Her usual knock on the window made her open her eyes. She started her fake coughs from now. Once Maya doesn't get her usual sunshine-y response, she walks in.

"Riley, everything okay?"

Riley contemplated answering this for a while. She fake coughed a little more to give her time. She didn't know is she should stick with her usual answer, or be honest. This moment played in her mind so many times. When she finally told Maya how she feels, and how Maya would hug her and hold her and tell her everything will be okay. But she never made it that far.

She got up and stretched. "Everything is fine. Let's go eat breakfast"

"Riles, I heard your fake coughs from outside. Something is wrong" Maya insisted.

"It's..." _Say it Riley!_ Her brain begged, _Tell Maya._

Riley looked up and saw Maya's concern filled eyes. "No matter what it is, Riles, I got you" She promised.

"It's nothing" Riley said. She couldn't get the words out, it was too much. It was to early in the morning to be so emotional. She'd rather get through the day to see how it treats her.

"Let's go, the boys will be waiting for us"

* * *

 _There's so much I want to say, but I'm so scared to give away, every little secret that I hide behind._

* * *

Riley and Maya sat down at their normal lunch table. They waited for the boys to come, and Maya tried to talking to Riley, who played with her food on the tray.

"So class was hard today" Maya said, trying to keep the topic normal. She noticed how her best friend seemed out of it today, and as she learned last week, she wouldn't be willing to talk about it. She'd have to wait until Riley felt comfortable enough to talk.

"It's hard everyday" Riley mumbled."Not just the class, life too" Riley finally admitted.

"What?"

Riley looked up and saw Zay, Lucas and Farkle sit down at the table.

"What's hard, Riley?" Lucas asked. "You feeling okay?" He had noticed how her smile went away quickly. He noticed how her eyes didn't sparkle with happiness. Only reflected sadness. She said was fine after her award ceremony, but he began to wonder how she really felt.

She felt the stares of all three guys looking at her.

 _I feel like dying._ She thought. _I feel like breaking apart. I feel like the world is better off without me. I feel worthless. I feel sick of feeling like this._

"I feel fine" She said with a smile.

* * *

 _What if I told you what was really going on?_

* * *

After a long day at school, it was finally time to go home and relax. She found her bedroom as a place of comfort. So at dinner, all she wanted to do was escape to her room.

Auggie went on about his day and Cory talked about class. Maya was home with her mom, who finally took the night shift off. Riley listened as her family went on about her day. When it was her time to talk, she struggled for words.

"So Riley, how was your day today?" Her mother asked her.

 _It was horrible._ She thought _. It's always horrible. I hate being fake happy, I can't even actually be happy. Days are just slipping by and I still feel useless. I'm a silly little weirdo with no future. I can't do anything right, and I can never explain myself. The day is still not over and all I want to do is go into my room and cry._

"It was a really great day" She said, lying yet again. Why couldn't she ever say what she really wanted to say? Why did she always hide behind this lie. She gave her family her best smile, and then pushed her plate aside.

"I had a pretty big lunch, may I be excused?"

Her parents looked at her with concern.

"Sure honey"

She went into her room and locked her door. Before she knew it she was crying. Feelings of worthless surrounded her and terrible words filled her head. She couldn't feel anything that wasn't pain. _Stupid, stupid, stupid._ She thought to herself. _Why can't you tell anyone what's on your mind. Why can't you admit that you feel this way._

She threw her pillows on the ground and lied down on her bed. The thoughts still swirled in her mind and she tried to do anything to make it go away. She searched for something, anything to make it stop. She picked up a pair of scissors, and widened them out.

She brought it to her wrist. Her hands were shaking and she tried to press them on it. But she couldn't, she dropped them on the ground as her tears blurred her vision.

She couldn't this, questions would be asked and she wouldn't know how to answer them. She's still learning how to answer the ones she gets asked now. She realized that she was really close to hurting herself. She was so close to letting what she is feeling inside match the outside. But she couldn't do it. She didn't want more questions, more stares and more lies.

She wanted more then anything to stop feeling the way she did. She wanted to have the courage to be honest with her friends and family. To be honest about how she feels. She needed to.

 _Tomorrow,_ she decided _, I'll tell them tomorrow._

* * *

 _I wonder what it would be like, if I told you_

* * *

 **a/n: Well I hope you enjoyed. I listened to this song a while ago and thought it was perfect for Riley. Especially since the last couple episodes have been showing how she is really feeling. Thank you so much for reading.**

 **Have a wonderful day, beautifuls**

 **-Summer**


End file.
